I was raised in a normal, loving family with both parents. Yet, I could find myself in some of the attitudes and situations mentioned in Deliver Him (I read the Kindle version, but it disappeared from the store, so I linked to the paperback I found).

Also, I know some people who had very difficult relationships with their fathers, and I could see how this book could be instrumental in their healing. If that’s your story, or your father was absent in your life, AND you are a Christian, Deliver Him is certainly a book for you.

CON

The only CON I found in this book comes from the nature of the book. It is very narrowly focused on one thing, and one thing only: to heal from the wounds caused by a father or fatherly figure in your life.

Thus, sometimes it really sounds like everything on Earth is the fault of men, fathers in particular. Like if they were perfect, the whole world would have been perfect. In my humble opinion, we have enough problems with the attacks on manhood as Christianity understands it. We don’t need to provide more ammo to our opponents.

Yet, there is some merit to this approach. I’ve just participated in a men’s conference, and the father wound was the main topic.

We sat around the table, eight grown men, and we started writing letters to our fathers. In no time, two guys were sobbing and crying. Both of them now have a correct relationship with their fathers. I have an OK relationship with my father, yet, I needed to wipe a tear or two myself.

The guy who led the workshop reconciled with his father, went through the healing process, yet, he lost his composure a few times during his speech.

Father wound is a real thing and probably touches every man on this planet. Probably, it is impossible to balance this message and does not sound like blaming fathers for the evil in the world.

PROs

1. Focus on Self-Analysis.

It is right down my alley. Even if your father was/has been great, it is worth exploring such an important relationship in your life. That conference I mentioned above definitely convinced me that a father wound is an issue that is universal and deeply affecting each man.

I firmly believe that any kind of self-analysis is better than ignorance. When it comes to such a deep issue, it’s a no-brainer.

2. Get God’s Help.

In my Christian perspective, cooperating with the Lord is always superior to depending on your own strength. Renwick Feagin wrote this book in a way, so it is an exercise book on how to lean on God while healing your father wound.

And this is the way to success. On your own, it is too easy to lie to yourself: that it doesn’t apply to you, that you have already reconciled with your father, that your situation is unique, etc.

Nope. Every man is affected by his father wound, and it is so much easier to deal with it with God’s help.

3. A Convincing Personal Account.

Renwick went through a lot in his life, and he is not afraid to put out there his personal testimonial. In the world of fake superficial sweetness of social media, every ounce of vulnerability is valuable. Deliver Him contains tons of vulnerability.

Renwick doesn’t hold punches when it comes to revealing his difficult history. He also provides guidance for the healing process based on his own experience. It worked for him. It worked for people he personally helped with father wounds.

I was convinced by this book it is the right way to engage into the healing process.

4. The Perfect Structure.

Deliver Him is ideally structured. Personal accounts are mingled with spiritual instructions in an ideal balance. There are plenty of examples on how to go through specific exercises, examples of the problems father wounds create and what benefits the healing process can provide.

And the exercises at the end of each chapter? They were excellent, over the top! So detailed, full of clear, technical advice on how to perform each step. This is exactly what a man overwhelmed with emotions needs when going through the difficult process of revealing and healing his wounds.

Summary

Deliver Him is a great resource, and I recommend it to every man. Doubly so, to men who are aware that their relationship with their father was far from perfect; or non-existent – boys raised without a dad carry similar, or deeper, wounds than boys who were abused and bullied.

If you are a Christian and a male, this book is no-brainer. Do yourself a favor and grab it ASAP. Do this favor to your close ones and the whole world.

Stop considering “success” in enormous terms.

Photo by The Lazy Artist Gallery from Pexels

Why is this step mandatory? Because otherwise you set yourself up for a failure. The realistic truth is that very, very few people are capable of an enormous success. Do you know how many billionaires there are? About 2,755. That’s 0.000035% of the world population.

And hardly all the billionaires are successful in life — they are surely successful in making money. But how many of them have a lasting marriage? Take this into account, and the success ratio shrinks to a ridiculously miniscule number.

Enormous Success Frightens

When you think of success as something grand — starting a multi-million-dollar company, winning a golden medal at the Olympics, publishing a world-wide bestseller (you know, the one with 1-million+ copies sold), inventing a cure for cancer, and so on — you put a foot on a brake before you even start. Unless, of course, you are one of the very, very few who are capable of such feats right now.

But this article is for 99.999965% of average persons. For common folks, the thought of such a grand success is downright paralyzing; it’s incomprehensible. You, I, we all simply know we cannot do that.

You cannot fly by flapping your arms. You cannot breathe under the water. You cannot be awake for longer than 200 hours at a time.

And you cannot succeed. Not at SUCH a scale.

So, you don’t even try.

Mind the Gap

Even if you will attempt to attain such a great success, your effort will be halfhearted. Well, maybe at the very beginning, you will be enthusiastic, motivated and full of energy.

But then, the gap between your current situation and your goal will loom over your shoulder like a giant glacier. You will get frustrated. Even if you keep moving forward, the time horizon necessary to achieve what you want will overwhelm you. It will seem like you’re stuck in one place and don’t inch forward at all.

Even though you will be moving toward your objective, your emotions will sabotage your efforts.

You cannot be thriving and overwhelmed or frustrated at the same time!

What Can You Do to Stop Considering “Success” in Enormous Terms?

I have several tips for you. The most impactful, I think, is the first one.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

1. Stop Being a Sucker for Success Stories.

I mean, the ones occupying media headlines. The ones spelling out “million followers,” “millions in revenue,” “world records beaten,” and so on. The only exception is, when those stories are somehow relatable for you.

Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applying basic fundamentals.”
— Jim Rohn

If you are a divorced single mom, and there is a story about a divorced lady who built her business while raising kids on her own, get inspired by her story.

If you are from a big city ghetto, and you see a story about someone who succeeded with similar upbringing — get inspired.

If you haven’t even finished a high school and you find a story about someone who succeeded without school — get inspired.

But if you cannot relate to the hero of the story, avoid it like a plague. It will only make you think you are somehow inadequate and incapable of success.

2. Start Being a Sucker for Relatable Stories.

And look for them in different sources. There are plenty of great success stories around. Instead of following viral stuff with a gazillion views, start looking around in your vicinity — both geographical and social.

Success in the knowledge economy comes to those who know themselves — their strengths, their values, and how they best perform.”
— Peter F. Drucker

You can find amazing support groups. I’m a member of several author groups. Author stories are SO relatable for me. I cannot even count how many folks started in similar circumstances as I had begun — having a day job, and dreaming about a different life.

I’m also a member of groups for online, small-business owners because this is who I am.

Are you a person of color who wants to start a business? Are you a single mom? An immigrant? An aspiring author? An employee of a non-profit who wants to change the world? There are groups out there just perfect for you.

What is more, in the groups like those, you don’t just passively absorb content. You can mingle with people whom you look up to. You can get to know at the personal level, making their stories even more relatable for you.

And you can start believing, you can succeed too.

3. Set Your Own Success Standards.

I’m successful beyond my wildest dreams. I started publishing books in a foreign language, and I sold about 80,000 copies of them! It took me eight years and eighteen books published.

An editor of a big magazine would have rolled on the floor laughing if I tried to sell him such a story. Eight years? Not a single book sold even 15,000 copies? I didn’t even fight a cancer in the meantime? Pshaw, it’s not shiny enough!

Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person you become.”
— Jim Rohn

But it is a story good enough for me. In 2012, when I got this idea of writing for a living, I had no clue what it takes to be a writer. Back then, I had never earned a dime from writing in my whole life.

As long as my books keep selling and keep helping people to change their lives, I consider my writing a successful endeavor.

You also should set your own success standards. You don’t need to employ hundreds of people. Maybe half a dozen employees is enough to create your dream lifestyle? You don’t need to have a mansion to thrive. Maybe you are single, and a small apartment with one guest bedroom is success of your size?

Don’t let society or other people enforce their success standards on you.

4. Remember that Real Success Is Multi-Dimensional.

Photo by William Fortunato from Pexels

So what, if you have a great family, but you cannot feed your own kids? So what, if you have a prestigious position, but your family is in shambles? So what, if people in your church appreciate your efforts so much, but your marriage is going to end up with a divorce?

The biggest determinants of success are consistency and effort.”
— Tanner Baze

Yes, single-minded focus is a great success attribute. But it can also take you too far and you will end up in one of the above scenarios — wealthy, but with your family disintegrated; with golden medals, but with no health; with social impact, but no money to afford a decent lifestyle for your family.

So, follow your own success narration, not the one trumpeted by media. You are a holistic being, so take care of every area of your life. And most importantly, you are a social being, so never neglect close relationships.

5. Focus on Small Steps, Today.

Enormous success will follow. This is how you actually achieve anything: you set huge goals, but you break them down into smaller steps; into the pieces manageable at the everyday level.

Success is not perfection. Success is progress.”
— Darren Hardy

The world is full of bigmouths, especially nowadays, when they have so many avenues available to be loud. However, not the noise, but action gets things done. There is nothing better than consistent action to generate success of all shapes and sizes. Thus yes, have a big vision, but also have a plan for the things you can do today. And do them.

When you consider fulfilling your daily action a success, you already are successful. You don’t need golden medals or a multimillion business.

Scale down your thinking about success to here and there, and you will eventually succeed big. Do your workout today. Make a cold call today. Write two pages for your book today. Go on a date with your spouse today. Enormous fitness, business, impact and relationship will follow.

The problem with the huge success stories in media is not that they are false. The real problem is that they don’t properly illustrate how everyday grind contributed to the final results. Hence, you don’t think about success in terms of everyday grind, but in terms of one-time enormous achievement.

The definition of the word “success” doesn’t indicate the scope of the achievement: the achieving of the results wanted or hoped for.

It says about the results you “hoped for.” It may be your two pages written today, or it may be one million copies of your book sold.

Unfortunately, when all things you hope for are enormous, you spend a lot of time frustrated, in the process of getting what you wanted or hoped for. Years and decades.

You are making yourself, and those around you, miserable. You are also very prone to overlook deficiencies in other areas of your life focused on pursuing your grand scheme.

Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day.”
— Jim Rohn

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Stop considering “success” in enormous terms. Consider your daily action — when completed and done well — a success. You will enjoy your life so much more. And you will put in building blocks of an enormous success.

You will grow along the way. You will become capable of huge things. Consistently apply basic fundamentals, and the great success in your life will be just a matter of time.

Originally published at Medium.

I’ve heard of the 21/90 rule for the first time very recently. In fact, I had to google it to get the idea of what it is.

But I think it’s awesome. Thanks to my expertise in building habits, I can tell you exactly how the 21/90 rule helps in building good habits.

The rule implies that it takes 21 days to build or break a habit and 90 days to create a lifestyle. Which is bollocks.
However, when you start a new habit with a mindset that it’s only for the next 21 days, and then you continue it for the next 90 days, it has plenty of advantages.

There are a few nuggets hidden in this very simple rule.

1. Daily

It’s so much easier to build a daily habit than, let’s say, one you practice every other day. In fact, it’s exponentially easier. So, if you focus on doing your new habit for 21 straight days, the effort is a fraction of the effort you’d have needed to perform the same habit every other day.

Thanks to daily practice, you train your mind to recognize the habit loop. There are no holes in your discipline. Your brain doesn’t get confused about a habit trigger. The repetition is continuous, so the lesson from day #1 is reinforced on day #2 and so on.

2. Short-term first

I think the main obstacle in building habits is your subconscious mind’s resistance. Your subconscious loves the status quo and hates any energy expenditure. Introducing any change causes subconscious rebellion.

However, by employing the 21/90 rule, you tame and subdue this rebellion: “What’s the problem? Don’t be such a jerk; it’s only for 21 days. Then you will drink, eat, and be merry again.”

When switching from 21 to 90 days, you can say: “See? It wasn’t so bad after all! I’m sure we can do it for the next 90 days.” Or if you are competitive: “21 days was easy, but I bet you won’t do it for 90 more.” 😀

Whatever works for you.

The thing is, you get some reasonable-sounding arguments against your subconscious. You subdue or totally overcome the initial resistance, and this is when many people fail—at the very beginning. Most people don’t continue their New Year’s resolutions after the 12th of January.

3. Sustainability

The only research I’ve ever found on the length of time needed to develop a habit says it takes from 18 to 254 days. You cannot develop a daily habit in less than 18 days (well, not without some cool tricks).

I say 21 days is the absolute minimum for habit development! The research I just mentioned says the median for creating a habit is 66 days. It means that half of people need more than 66 days to develop a habit.

After studying the methodology of the research and judging from my experience as a habit coach, I say this is an optimistic estimation. They set up the research in a way that supported habit formation. They also finished the experiment long before 266 days, and they extrapolated their data to reach the 266-day final mark.

Most average folks don’t have enough common sense or knowledge to start developing their habits in a similar way.

The 21/90 Rule Gives You an Edge

Thanks to the 21/90 rule, you practice a new habit for 111 days. It takes you far beyond the urban-myth periods of habit creation (21, 30, or 60 days), and far beyond the median 66-day mark. I guesstimate that just sticking to the 21/90 rule boosts your chances for developing a habit to about 70%.

You need a lot of time to develop a new habit; 254 days is more than eight months! (BTW, 8 months is just a bit over 1% of your lifespan if you would have lived only 60 years; it’s NOT “a lot”!). People simply don’t realize that.

Usually, when they want to build a new habit, they have no clue how long it will take. And they have the wrong mindset: instant gratification. The 21/90 rule takes them past this mindset. After 111 days of practice, they have a pretty good chance of sticking with a new habit.

How does it help to build a better life?

Get this; let it sink in:

Every single good habit will really change your life.

And its impact will be significant.

It’s not a theory. It’s not a feel-good charm. It’s not wishful thinking. It’s a reality.

The reality looks like this:

This is how the world functions.

Habits compound with time. After a year you reap some benefits; after 10 years you reap benefits—not 10, but 100 or more times better.

If your body will be stronger and healthier, if your mind will be more flexible and quick, if your spirit will be more peaceful and joyful, if your relationships will be richer and more numerous, if you will gain more knowledge and skills, then your life will become easier. It’s as simple as that.

How can your life be harder if you have more friends or if you are healthy instead of sick?

The Potential for Change

Habits are one of the only three ways known to science that can really change one’s life, and they are the most reliable way.

You cannot engineer enlightenment. Very few people constrained by their social obligations can introduce a significant change to their environment (like changing a job or a place of living).

Everyone can start doing small daily activities, which will change themselves and their lives in effect.

Every good habit makes your life better.

In 2019 I started a habit of planning my weeks ahead. I’ve never done that before. I made a couple of feeble attempts in the past, but I quickly abandoned them. I couldn’t keep my weekly commitments, it frustrated me to no end, and I quit.

I picked up this habit as a direct result of joining a 12-Week Year coaching group. I was supposed to set a few quarterly goals and keep track of my progress, so I had to somehow start planning my weeks. Before 2019, I kind of planned my days, but never longer periods of time.

 

In the end, my Google sheet serves me more as a tracking tool than a planning tool. Yes, I diligently plan my weeks on Monday mornings … and they are immediately interrupted or disturbed.

The biggest disruption is my struggle with going to bed early enough to wake early enough the next day. Then everything else is moved in my schedule.

The biggest interruption is my wife. I have my own business and work from home. My wife still cannot wrap her head around the fact that my hour is worth $30. Well, that’s the net worth. I really earn about $50 per hour, and this allows me to pay for all the business expenses. She will hesitate to buy an unnecessary item for $10 or overpay $5 for a small item. But she hasn’t the slightest trouble with hiring a maid for $30; that’s me.

What is more, because she doesn’t comprehend the value of my time, she has no problem interrupting my work with any stupid or trivial thing, from reminding me that I need to pick up our daughter (which she already told me 5 times!) to showing me a funny meme on Facebook, right here and now.

Sheesh!

Plus, of course, I’m not perfect, so I procrastinate, or switch to easier tasks or to urgent everyday stuff I need to do right now. And the plans change.

Planning / Tracking

Thus, despite having a neat plan for my week, I modify it multiple times a day. And I love it.

In the past, I felt like my plans were set in stone, and when I missed a single item, I felt like a failure and my frustration went through the roof. Internally, I was such a mess that it was better for my productivity to ditch planning and focus on fulfilling my daily activities.

 

Nowadays, whenever I finish one task, I go to my Google sheet and either mark it off or modify my schedule. If something took me longer than I anticipated, I extend the time block in the plan according to reality. Often, I also need to shuffle around the next tasks in the queue.

 

There are many advantages resulting from being actively engaged with my weekly plan:

a) Prioritization

Thanks to the constant shuffling of the tasks, I learned prioritization at a gut level. I’m nine months into this practice and now I know that extending one task or changing its time slot causes a cascade of changes in my schedule.

I need to decide on the fly what to remove from today in the calendar and what is important enough to make a place for it in tomorrow’s schedule.

I also got a lesson hammered into me about urgent/important stuff. The important stuff needs to get done as soon as possible no matter what. Otherwise, it’s buried with the urgent daily trivia and the bigger, non-urgent projects don’t get done in the planned timeframe. If I don’t work on them a little bit every day, they simply freeze.

The best thing about it is that I absorbed this lesson at a gut level. When I shuffle items around my calendar, I don’t have to ponder the short- and long-term repercussions. I don’t ponder what to do next or why. I just know it.

b) Lack of Frustration

This one is a biggie for me. I was unable to plan for longer than a day because I couldn’t follow up on my plans to a T. Thanks to my weekly schedule in the Google sheet, I can see how the items that weren’t done are placed in the next day or later in the same day. They don’t disappear. They are postponed—not to a hazy “someday,” but they are moved into a specific time in the near future.

What’s more, my experience has taught me that even if they will be moved around a few times, they will get done. If they won’t, it only means something more important or urgent replaced them in the schedule.

c) No Place for Forgetfulness

Prior to 2019 whenever I planned some event, meeting, or call, I was quite heedless about keeping track of them. More than once, I simply forgot about a call or a podcast interview.

That’s no longer an option. I place every fixed item in my weekly calendar, and whenever I have a look at it (which is multiple times a day) I am reminded about this event or call.

d) Data

The consistent work over my weekly schedule provided plenty of insights into my time management. It confirmed some things I already knew, like the disastrous effect of my wife’s interruptions on my productivity, or the fact that I work best in the morning.

Other discoveries were unexpected. For example, I realized I struggle with my prayers because I tried to smuggle them among other activities. Starting several weeks ago, I began to schedule fifteen-minute blocks of prayer into my calendar, and it immensely helped in this regard.

I also have some hardcore data thanks to my calendars. Thanks to them, I was able to calculate my hourly fee. Before implementing this tool, it was pure guessing on my part.

e) One Glance

I take one glance at my calendar and I see if I dedicated enough time for various areas of my life.

I use the color codes to indicate different types of activities.

Black is for my day job and other activities that are not necessarily pleasant but required (dealing with paperwork in the county office, one-time tasks like repairing a car, and so on).

Blue indicates a task for my business.

Red is for important projects connected to my 12WY goals.

Orange is for content-related activities, and dark green is for the items fixed at a specific time: calls and meetings.

 

Thanks to this simple trick, I can see where I’m not doing my best. Life is a very complex project, and there are many facets to it. It’s bad to suffer from poverty, but it’s much worse to suffer from sickness, loneliness, or lack of purpose.
Thanks to my weekly calendar, I can see if I neglect my family or spiritual life. Those are important, but not urgent, areas; and I tend (as we all do, don’t we?) to neglect them in the face of more pressing issues, like putting bread on the table.

Summary

This habit improved my life quite significantly, and if you’d have asked me half a year ago if I could squeeze so much out of a single habit, I would have answered that it’s impossible. I already felt like I was at the verge of my full capabilities.

There is nothing more precious than time, and running my weekly calendar makes me keenly aware of how I spend my time 24/7. It helps me to beat procrastination, and to not be overwhelmed by a multitude of projects since it breaks them into small chunks. It allows me to see at one glance the area(s) of neglect … or that I’m doing a good job.

It brought more peace of mind into my life. There are often very simple items in my schedule, like some errands or a movie at the cinema with my kids, but it sure is nice to not miss those things too, or to postpone some business responsibilities in a hectic manner because I’ve just recalled I have something else to do.

I’m better at managing my daily activities; I’ve been doing so for long years—writing, tracking in my online journal, publishing on Quora, etc. There were times before adopting the 12WY system when I was catching up with a week of tracking in Coach.me or in my journal. Now, it rarely happens that I have to catch up two days.

 

AND I’m inching toward my quarterly goals every day, exactly as the system is designed to do. However, for me it’s a marginal 20% profit. I consider all the above advantages worth so much more than achieving goals. If you can get a grip on your schedule on a daily basis, hitting long-term plans is just a byproduct.

 

A tidbit from The 12 Week Year book:

“If you take time to plan before engaging a complex task, you reduce the overall time required to complete the task by as much as 20 percent.”

My most complex project is my life. Planning and maintaining my weekly schedule takes about half an hour per week (for planning) and 10 minutes a day to track my activities. That’s less than 1% of my week.

Thanks to using my weekly calendar, I’m squeezing 20% more out of it.